Maybe God does answer prayers because church was in session last Sunday with a brand new season of Before The 90 Days.

Is the new cast a literal trash fire? Yes. Am I excited to waste my time watching their shenanigans? Absolutely. Am I ashamed of my love for reality TV? No way!

Let’s get into it.

Ed & Rose
San Diego & The Philippines

I’m just going to stick my neck out and say that this couple might be doomed. It’s going to be yucky to watch them start necking. I really need these jokes to work — my neck is on the line!

Now, you all know that I don’t usually comment on the physical appearances of people on these shows because I don’t want to be a bully, HOWEVER, we all know Ed is a funny-looking dude. It has to be discussed!

Ed is a four foot eleven photographer (pronounced “fertographer”) who lives in San Diego and has a man bun and extremely sensitive skin. Also, Ed got no neck! I’m not sure if he was born without one? Or if it’s his proportions? Or if maybe he had one but he lost it because of bad posture? Me no know.

He looks a lot like Lala’s fiancé, Randall, from Vanderpump Rules and you can’t tell me differently.

Ed has a 29 year-old daughter and is dating a 23 year-old Phillipino woman named Rose. Here’s the thing, if your girlfriend is younger than your child, you’re wrong. Just wrong. Don’t do that!!! It’s weird.

Naturally, his daughter is pissed and his mom is skeptical. (Her nickname for him is Pony, btw. Maybe because he is the size of a little pony, not a horse.) Anyway, we see his apartment and it’s whatever, but yet his mom thinks Rose is a gold digger and using him to get to America. Mother Ed, we’ve seen his kitchen. He ain’t got any money. There’s no gold to dig!

At one point in the episode, we see Ed drinking out of a Cats! mug, which is fate because I just went to a rowdy screening of Cats on Saturday night. “Rowdy” meant that we could yell, hiss, and shout jokes during the movie. Reader, it was heaven. If you have the chance to go to a rowdy screening at Alamo Draft House, you must.

Wow, I can’t believe that I still have so much more to say about this guy…. Ed has spent over $5K on gifts for Rose and has a cell phone holder on his Vespa. Those two facts are an indication of the type of person he is.

LASTLY, Ed walks around the apartment in a kimono and we see him do a hair mask , except, reader, it’s MAYO. MAYO!!!! HONEY, NO! I literally shouted at the screen. Get a leave-in conditioner, sweetie. Target has tons.

So Mayo Man is getting ready for his trip to the Philippines and he’s a big germaphobe who hasn’t had sex in years and is making Rose get an STD test before he comes. Pole 2.0, anyone?

Avery & Ash
Seattle & Melbourne

Avery is a dental assistant from Seattle who’s really into yoga and cooking with cannabis. Edgy! She has two kids named Silver and Gold (or something). She got pregnant with Silver while she had an IUD, so maybe the name is an homage to the copper IUD. Also, don’t ever get one of those. They make your period intense and make sex super painful. And, apparently, they don’t work!

Every American in this episode has to go up against at least one skeptical friend and defend their decisions. Avery’s is her ex, Jared, who is a big deal in the cannabis industry. Gag. Imagine putting that on your LinkedIn profile? I’d rather be a vape CEO. Just kidding.

Ash lives in Australia. (Ashtralia?), is a relationship coach, and seems sketchy. He helps single women find love. Like, that’s his whole job. (Better than the cannabis industry? idk) Avery seems normal, but I’m skeptical of Ashtralia.

Geoffrey & Varya
Knoxville & Russia

I don’t have many notes on this guy. He seems normal. He’s a landlord in Knoxville (now that’s a job!) with three kids: Pax, Dakota, and Karen? He seems fine but I definitely wouldn’t want to talk politics with him.

Then we find out he had another child named Kazan or Chasm who passed away a year ago. That is awful. Grief will gut you.

Geoffrey has a wingback chair in his workout room. And two upside-down chairs, as far as I can tell.

He also has a deeply Russian friend named Olga who is so skeptical. (Skeptical friend!) Her accent is straight out of Boris & Natasha and, at one point, she frustratedly uses the expression “freaking frack,” which I simply love. I want more Olga!

Oh, so Geoffrey’s girlfriend is a radio personality named Varya and he loves that she’s career-driven. Me too!

Speaking of Me Too, rot in jail, Harvey Weinstein!

Lisa & Usman
York, PA & Nigeria

Lisa is 52 (a hard 52, at that), has bleach blonde hair, and a bold smoker’s cough. She’s been cast on this show to give Angela a run for her money.

Like, and again, I don’t want to be a bully. But I grew up in Pennsylvania, and we have so many of these women who have lived HARD lives, who could either be 35 or 75 and you have no idea which. And that’s on cigarettes.

Lisa’s dating a guy in Nigeria named Usman who goes by SOLJABOY and wants to be the biggest rapper in America. I got news for ya, bud. We already have a Souljaboy and he’s a superman. (Do you know what those lyrics actually mean? Awful.)

Anyway, SOLJABOY is an opportunist who’s hooked Lisa onto his catfish line with a mediocre hip-hop song professing his love for her. Nikki, thank god, our skeptical friend, is convinced that he’s using Lisa for a green card. I couldn’t find SOLJABOY on Instagram, so she might be right. Also, she has a tongue piercing.

Oh, there are more similarities with Angela: Lisa also works as a caregiver. I think they’re both in hospice. Imagine dealing with either of them at the end of your life? Oof, that would kill ya sooner!

Lisa’s going to Nigeria to get married to Usman (take that, Angela!) who is only 30 and will probably want kids one day and will be forced to get someone to tote Lisa’s dusty egg, just like Michael and Angela.

Lisa reveals that she’s taking a secret weapon with her to Nigeria. It’s her pussy. She plans to have unprotected sex with Usman early and often. (Side note: go vote!) BITCH, YOU NASTY!!!! A.) Not safe, and B.) Don’t tell us that. This scene made my husband mutter angrily to himself.

Lisa’s got a sneaky temper on her. I can tell. Don’t know if she likes cake, though.

Yolanda & Williams
Las Vegas & England

Sigh. This is a sad story. Yolanda was married to her first love for 30 years until he passed away in jail a year or two ago. She’s in her 50s and lives in Vegas with her six adult children.

And she’s getting catfished. It’s obvious. She’s dating someone allegedly named Williams who allegedly lives in England and allegedly doesn’t have a camera to video chat with her.

When we hear them on the phone, his accent doesn’t sound British. If anything, he sounds like Azan in Morocco. (What if it’s Azan?!)

Williams asked Yolanda for money for a ticket to visit Vegas. She, thankfully, said no and is going to visit him instead. She’s so in love with him, which is sad because she clearly just doesn’t want to be alone. Like all of us.

Sidenote: six kids?! Can you imagine feeding six kids three times a day? I can’t even do the math!

Darzy’s coming back later this season and she’s trashier than ever. Something about her just looks… like… a drunk balloon that’s about to burst. I can’t hold it against her, though: mama needs to support her kids! Also, I follow her daughter on TikTok and she’s fascinating.

What else? My cat is a jellicle cat for sure. There’s finally a non-hetero couple on this show! They’re white ladies, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Also, I’m watching Love Is Blind and this show is bananas.

Okay, I’ve gotta go feed my jellicles. Byeee.

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